Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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