Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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