That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
