I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
