I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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