I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Found your dick twin last night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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