Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
