you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
