i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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