Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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