Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
