Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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