that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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