Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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