I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
