I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Vodka?
Forever.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
