I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
