I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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