so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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