i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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