My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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