If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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