do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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