Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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