now i know why i became what i already was.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
