I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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