A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
