I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
