he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize