We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need a sexual gate keeper
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
