if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
