Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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