Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
