Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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