..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You have to summon your inner elephant
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
