why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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