I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize