She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
