my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this boner is exhausting
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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