I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
