it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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