After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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