There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
