I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
