i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
