Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
