ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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