Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
