my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
