2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
