He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
